Making The Best Decision for our Family
Today was supposed to be our due date. I’ve been thinking about this day for about 9 months, and dreading it for 5.
We called our baby Sesame, because she was the size of a sesame seed when we got a positive pregnancy test in June. We were SO excited. I cried. Simon doesn’t really cry, but he was just as over the moon. We called our parents the next day. We watched what-to-expect videos, debated names, bought The Very Hungry Caterpillar. We reorganized our apt to make room for a nursery. After the first trimester, we started sharing our good news one Zoom call at a time. For months, Sesame gave us so much hope during an otherwise hopeless year.
And then we had our anatomy ultrasound. There was no amniotic fluid, nothing to protect Sesame. Her organs were malformed or missing. Without amnio, her lungs would never develop. If she made it to term at all, which was unlikely, she wouldn’t survive her first day with us. This was the worst day of our lives, learning that we would never get to know our daughter. I cried. Simon cried. The doctor explained all our options. This was the first and last parenting decision we got to make for her, and we chose to spare her any pain and instead take that pain on ourselves. I had an abortion.
I debated sharing our story. Honestly, I’m a little scared, but I’m tired of grieving in secret. It is so much harder to process your pain when you have to pretend to be fine. Losing a baby makes you feel alone. People don’t talk about it. It wasn’t until I started telling people that they shared their own stories with me. This is way more common than you’d think, and if, God forbid, anyone finds themselves in this situation, I want you to know that I am someone you can talk to. I am here for you. I will support whatever decision you make.
I don't want this to be a secret anymore because I am not ashamed of it. We wanted Sesame more than anything in the world. We don’t regret our decision, we only wish we never had to make it. If you are Catholic, like I am, I want you to think about me when you think about abortion--me and Simon, devastated by our diagnosis at 4.5 months and trying to make the best decision for our family.
In some states, we would have had less than a day to process this information and decide what to do. When you have to make an impossible choice, on the worst day of your life, you shouldn't be rushed by a mandated cut off time. Abortion laws target people in their 2nd and 3rd trimester, like me.
I am lucky that I now live in a place where I have access to the care I needed. Everyone should have that.
— AMANDA